For a person like me who became single by choice, you would think all days are rosy, sunny and bright, but no, there are some really bad days. Lonesome days, where you question the decision you made.
So, I have decided to take on the 30-Day Blog Challenge starting today. I have had this with me for about 4 months now, been preparing hard for it, trying to see what to write on each day, and it so happens that Day 1 is about my current relationship. I kind of hoped by now I would at least be in one, so I don’t have to write about being single, but well… here I am.
And as I was thinking of what to write about being single, a friend sends me a very interesting line by Bishop T.D Jakes, “If you think being single is tough, try being single after marriage”
The moment I read it, I knew I wanted to write about this. So here we are; 18 months and still single after marriage… not complaining though. I didn’t think I would be off the shelf this soon anyway.
I will tell it as it is; for a person like me who became single by choice, you would think all days are rosy, sunny and bright, but no, there are some really bad days. Lonesome days, where you question the decision you made. You wonder if you walked away to soon. You start picturing how things would be had you held on a little longer.
For the greater part of the first year, the sad, lonesome days were more. As a matter of fact, I married the man I loved, and went ahead and loved the man I married, so leaving him was painful, but I knew that for once I had to do something for me. I left. I also missed my babies, they were three and four when I left. Young as they were, I could not leave with them, I needed to first get on my feet firmly before I can have them over. I was an emotional wreck when I left, they sure didn’t deserve to see Mommy that way. I would cry all the time, I isolated myself from people. I did not want my friends to know I was single again (this will be a story for another day). I stopped eating food, I resorted to snacks. I looked terrible. I was miserable. I was lonely. I was single. I was yet to enjoy being single again.
However, deep down in me I knew that mourning was not meant to last forever, my Bible tells me in Psalm 50:10 that “weeping may last for a night, but joy comes in the morning” I also knew that the darkest and coldest hours are usually the ones near dawn, so I knew it too would come to pass. I also knew that there was no short cut, I had to go through that season. I mean, there were nights that my heart could literally rip apart, but it was part of the package. So I gave God, me and time time. God; time to do whatever it is that He was doing in me. Me; time to accept whatever was happening and learn to live with it. Time; time to heal me, they say time heals all wounds.
And moving on I have tried, but somehow, none of them has worked, either I am too paranoid or they just don’t measure up; and my heart has been bruised in the process. Some have been too sweet, and in my little mind I am thinking, “why is this guy too sweet? He surely must be up to something!” And after convincing myself that, I go silent.
So, when that passed, I started to live again. I made a decision to get my life back, to be in control again. I got back out there, interacted like before, I smiled more often, I chatted more often, I played, I danced, I sang, I praised, I worshipped, I prayed, I lived again, and before long, I was looking good again. I loved what I saw each time I looked in the mirror. And hey, I was single and free to mingle…yaaayyyyy!!!!
Now, in came the real ‘singlehood’… you know what I mean. Just to take you back to some years, I left campus with my boyfriend, who later turned to fiancée and then husband. So for me, I did not really experience being ‘single’ before marriage. And here I was, single after marriage… hmmmmm… I don’t know what emotions those were, but yea, I was single and ready to indulge.
I must confess, it has come with a couple of challenges. See, for the first year, I was very careful, I guarded my heart so jealously. Did I have a heart even? It was pieces of it, I didn’t want any further breakage… so that part was catered for. Now this year, Lord have mercy… I feel so healed and ready to move on…hihihihihi
And moving on I have tried, but somehow, none of them has worked, either I am too paranoid or they just don’t measure up; and my heart has been bruised in the process. Some have been too sweet, and in my little mind I am thinking, “why is this guy too sweet? He surely must be up to something!” And after convincing myself that, I go silent. Then some are out rightly not what I am looking for. I am so done dating ‘young’ boys; the kind that think the whole universe rotates around them, nah!!!! And then there is this ‘super-egoistic’ batch. I just can’t handle a proud man…me and egos don’t mix too well. I wanna be wanted, I wanna be loved, I wanna be desired… it just doesn’t work for me dating a ‘king’ who wants all to be served to him at his convenience on a silver platter. This was the case with my most recent…not sure I am over him yet… he was a nice guy, but too proud!!!
Now, that there is my biggest challenge! I am single, but too particular…hoooo!!! I have this feeling the man I want does not exist this side of humanity, but I will keep hoping and believing. I wonder how it is with ladies in my shoes. One fact that consoles me greatly, though, is the fact that I have babies, so I won’t be chasing after that. In fact, I have even considered celibacy at some point. 😊 But again, I am a woman, I long for companionship, I sometimes long to be held tight and then be told, “All is well Baby…” I miss sharing my dreams, goals and inspirations with someone every morning as I prepare for work. I miss that person that I pour my heart out to at the end of each day, someone I rant to, someone with whom we are on the same side and the world on the other… Oh the not-so-cool ‘thing’ of being single after marriage!!!!