Back at one

You know what, you are right. Yes, you don’t deserve my time, my attention and my emotions! 

It’s been several months of me acting up and throwing tantrums, mostly in my head about your behavior and how you manage not to notice me. Yes… I have been longing so much for your attention, but it seems it is something that I WILL NEVER get hold of ever again.

And as such, I have decided to also withdraw my attention and emotions from you. Is it easy? I don’t think so, seeing as I’ve been trying all this while, and still been futile. However, the difference this time round is I’m determined to break free. 

“Break free from what?” you may wonder… I’m breaking free from you, from your hold, from your grip, from your charm. I’m breaking free from everything that ever made me think that I deserve you… 

See that smile you wear when we meet, as embarrassing as this may sound, but like a 17year old, it makes me think that you need me. It’s all a lie… The woman in me screams in silently… “It’s all a lie girl!” But yeah, like any other adolescent, I think, “what does she know?”… So I successfully silence her. 

Then immediately after, it is the hug… Oh that warm almost-bear-hug… You know how I fit in so perfectly, how I get all enclosed in your arms, I always feel like it was made just for me, but unfortunately, it’s also a lie…

And then when we settle in, as we sip on our favorite coffees, you cappuccino and me my African spiced, you say the things I love to hear, things that crack me up… I laugh out loud and get lost in the moment, sorry moments. Those too, are an illusion… How sad!!! 

Well, today is the day I break free, first it’s in ink (if this is really ink) as I work on all the other fronts. And to think that my heart is not in agreement sucks… She has refused to let go, if you could see her, she is weeping, whatever charm you got on her, better reverse it. 

And now, I’m back where I started from… I can’t let go… I’m still here… You don’t want me, but I do. You don’t love me, but I do, so much that my love will cover for both of us. So until the next attempt, please ignore the first paragraph, you deserve all my attention, time and emotions.


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